remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
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