i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
