The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
