Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
