I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
