I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
