god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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