Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
