I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Randomize
