I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
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