she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
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