We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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