someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
