I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Randomize
