There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Randomize
