Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Enjoy the penises
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
