Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
