we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
you didnt know i had herpes?
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Randomize
