Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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