i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
