i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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