i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Randomize
