I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Randomize
