Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
