My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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