I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
