Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
