just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
being pregnant is like rehab
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
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