u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
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