You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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