Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
