the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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