I must be too annoying 4 u.
Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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