one two three fourrrrnication!
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
