I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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