Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
