Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
