Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Randomize