Fucking hipsters really piss me off man. They are just such punk as bitches, all of them. Oh, and fuck Ed Hardy too.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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