i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
