New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
