I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
