come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Randomize
