A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
