the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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