gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
