It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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