Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
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