did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
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