The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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