Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
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