I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
I love the progression of these pictures. I go from cute to Courtney Love
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Randomize
