I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
