I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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