Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Randomize
