I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Houston, we have a blender
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
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