there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
