Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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